Last Year in a Nutshell

Holy shit show 2020… this year has been such a roller coaster
ride for me and I'm not going to sit here and pretend I've handled it with grace. Hell most of the time I've been a hot freaking mess.
Let's be real, the fact that I'm finally setting down to write is nothing short of a miracle and deserves to be celebrated (insert super corny happy dance here). Did you picture it? I was totally just dancing in the middle of my office.

2020 has not been all bad but it has been full of things changing. I'm not a person that handles change very well even if it's a good change. To sum up how I've been feeling in the simplest way… it's a lot like walking through a dark forest not being able to find my way out while looking at beautiful flowers blooming.

I have learned a few things about myself over the past year. One: I have a big fear of failure. Two: It's easier than I thought to let my anxiety take control of my life again. Three: I'm ashamed that I battle with depression. Four: I'm strong as hell!

Having a fear of failing is not something I realized about myself until a few days ago but now that I put some thought into it, it makes a ton of sense and I have suffered from this my whole life. It sounds so cliche but the fear of failure has held me back from trying things. Honestly it really sucks but I guess it's better to have this epiphany now. Don’t get me wrong, I have taken risks in life. Just turns out there are some areas I have not been willing to because of fear of failure.

It had been years since I felt like I didn't have a handle on my anxiety. My panic attacks never went away but there had been big gaps in how frequently they came for years. Sometimes there were months in between panic attacks and almost always weeks. I had been living that way for about six years, Hell I even made it through a divorce only having like three the whole time. So over the last year when they started coming multiple times in a week sometimes more than once a day it was a hard pill to swallow. 

At some point I started struggling with depression again this is something I still haven't said out loud to anyone. Of course my husband could tell I'm pretty sure he knows me better than I know myself. I was in denial this was happening to me because it just didn't make sense. How could I be depressed? I have so many great things going on in my life and I have a better understanding of myself than I ever have before. Then one night laying in bed it hit me that I was depressed and it's taking me so long to admit it to myself because I'm ashamed of it. That just made me really pissed off, I have spent so much time helping other people that felt depressed and telling them that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Admitting it to yourself is one of the best things you can do to heal because acceptance of your situation is a part of the healing process. Eventually I came around the fact that I need to take my own advice and that just because I know coping mechanisms doesn't mean I am immune to the disease. 

Even though 2020 was one of my harder years in recent past I am damn proud of myself for everything I made it through and overcame. I also took some very big steps last year to better myself. Okay so I want to keep this post kinda short since it is my first one in a very long time. I just wanted to dip my feet back into the water and give everyone an overall update. Most of the stuff I talked about today I will break up and go into more details later. But for now I am glad to say I survived 2020 and I am ready to grow some more as a person and sprinkle more people with my messy advice in 2021.

Rolling into age 31

Year 30 is wrapping up for me and I’m rolling into year 31. The second half of this year has been

crazy, I could have never imagined half the things that have happened. I have learned so much

about myself, I have grown in ways I wasn't expecting too, I am now craving things for myself

 that I never even dreamed of before, and I am proud of myself!

I’m not going to spend a lot of time talking about everything that happened over the last year because this post is about how I’m rolling into year 31. But I am going to give a short overview to help paint the picture of how I have landed where I am. Keeping it short is going to be a challenge Because these last twelve months have been packed full of a lot. 

I decided that year 30 was going to be all about focusing on my mental health. If I had to sum the year up  in just a couple words they would be: a beautiful mess. I've had ups and downs. I've let go of relationships that were toxic. I've focused on relationships that are healthy. I've spent a lot of time meditating. I've started a blog. I've sold a house. I've got my kids through 3 months of virtual school. I’m living in a camper while building a new house and for the last four month have been living through a world pandemic trying to navigate the constantly changing new normal covid 19 is creating. 

All that being said I feel like I have grown a ton as a person in this time. I am much happier, stronger and I have learned how to take care of my emotional wellbeing. I will never again put my mental health on the back burner. I now realize it is something you have to pay attention to all the time. I spend time every single day focusing on my mental health and I crave the emotional clarity I get from it. I have learned how to incorporate my mental health needs into my routine and doing so no longer drains all my energy. 

It's time for me to say goodbye to age 30 and roll into age 31. I’m not going to lie. I'm a little disappointed because I wanted to have a big party to celebrate my birthday but covid 19 stole that away from me. I’m still going to celebrate my birthday just not in the way I thought I would be this year.

I am proud of the person I have become and I am excited to see all the ways I'll grow at age 31. For a few months now I have known what I want my intentions to be for this coming year and I have to say I’m really excited. I feel like this is the next natural step in my journey and I think it's something my soul is craving. This year I am going to be focusing on making my body healthier.

I will not be going on a diet! In my opinion diets cause way more harm than they do good and I do not believe in them. I could spend a while telling all the reasons I think dieting is bad for people but I'll save that rant for another day and just list a couple reasons for now. I believe dieting is sometimes the cause of eating disorders and low self-esteem.  I don't believe a healthy body is measured by weight. Most people start diets because they are trying to make their body look different for others.

For me this is not about image, this is about honoring my body and giving it the best fuel I can. For years I have not been giving much thought to what I have been putting in my body. There have been times I have been eating healthy and times that I have been eating nothing but junk. For the most part i've just been eating whatever whenever and it's been a mix of healthy and unhealthy food. I'm not going to sit here and say I've been eating awful or that i've been eating great. I am going to say I have not been putting enough thought into what I'm eating, I have not been listening to my body enough trying to figure out what it wants and how it reacts to what I put in it.

Another part of my body health is activity level. I’m not someone who gets no activity but I also do not have a routine. Pre covid most days I would get at least my 10,000 steps and 60 move minutes a day. That's what my watch would tell me anyways, but with the new normal I feel like it's rare that happens anymore. I love to ride my bike but haven't made time for it since January. I used to ride at least 60 miles a week. I love yoga and I will randomly practice it but again I don't have a routine. 

Over the last year a big part of my mental health journey has been learning how to go with the flow and now I enjoy it. There is something so freeing about going with the flow and not forcing things. So I am not looking to make a strict activity routine but I do want to make sure I am setting the time aside everyday to listen to what my body wants and do something active. Over the last year I have learned how to set time aside and take care of my mental health. Now it's time for me to add my body health into my daily focus. 

I am more confident with my body image now then I ever have been before. I know this is because of where I am in my mental health journey. My body has been through so much over the years. It’s had decades of different types of abuse in the hands of others and even self harm at times. It’s experienced receiving love in its raw form and it’s given love. It has carried children for me, delivered two babies, and lost one. But it has never failed me when everything else seemed to be falling apart. I am thankful for the body I have and I’m doing my best to love every imperfection it has. Now when I find a stretch mark, a scar, a skin tag, a pimple, a few extra pounds here and there I think wow my body is strong. Each mark comes from somewhere and has some kind of story behind it. My body is an ever changing canvas as I age and it's beautiful.

So this year at age 31 I choose to start listening to my body, I want to give it the fuel it thrives best on and increase my activity level to help make it stronger. I’m excited to figure out exactly what this means I look forward to going with the flow and learning how to listen to my body. 

What is Beauty

My heart broke a little last week. I told my daughter she was beautiful, then I asked her if she knew what made her beautiful… She said my face. At that moment I was in shock. Why would my daughter think that, hadn't I made it clear to her that beauty is not what you look like but what comes from inside. Of course in the moment I went through the usual conversation where I told her that some people believe appearance is what makes you beautiful but those people are wrong. What really makes someone beautiful is what's on the inside. I said this just holding my breath hoping it sinks in this time and no one else will come behind and convince her otherwise.

This will not be the case so many people, even people I trust will come in and say the wrong things and my daughter will once again believe her appearance is how she should judge her beauty. But I will be there waiting to have this conversation again and again until she wholeheartedly believes it. Let's be real here society as a whole usually gets this wrong. It makes me so angry knowing that most girls and women are chasing after unrealistic standards and that's what they think makes them beautiful.

 

It’s such bullshit that people think there is this perfect shape and size we should all be. Beauty is not measured on the shape or size of your body. 

I hate that people are chasing a number on a scale and that's how they are deciding how beautiful they are in their current body.

It upsets me that people are exercising to change their appearance to one that society is telling them they should have. You should exercise for health not appearance.

Honestly I could probably make this list go on forever but it's doing nothing but raising my blood pressure and talking about how screwed up society is. I don't want to spend too much time talking about that. I want to talk about doing my part to make it better. I want to encourage you to do your part to make it better. Women supporting women and all. We need to start making sure that we set good examples for our youth.

Start telling women they are beautiful but when you tell them make 

sure you attach it to a mental attribute or an accomplishment of 

theirs. Do not attach it to their appearance. For example telling a woman how beautiful she is when she is in a dress is making it about her appearance. But telling a woman how beautiful she is when she has the strength to stand up for what she believes in makes it about her true beauty that's inside her.

If you have daughters ask them what makes them beautiful, make sure they understand, have this conversation with them. Tell them the world sucks sometimes and it just takes time and strong people willing to stand up for what they believe in to make a change.

If you have a son, have this conversation with him. Make sure he understands what beauty is. Tell your son he’s beautiful the same way you tell your daughter. Ask your son the same question.

Ask yourself what makes you beautiful? This might be hard at first but remember to be gentle on yourself. If you can only come up with one thing that's okay. I’m sure you have more than one mental attribute or strength that's part of your beauty sometimes it just takes awhile to realize it.

Start talking about what true beauty is. If you get the chance in a conversation to bring it up don’t sit on the sidelines, engage in the conversation and express that beauty is what's on the inside. If you can start a conversation about what beauty is do it. If you are someone with a huge platform please use it and tell your followers what makes them beautiful.

Learning to Communicate

Hi my name is Heather and I have a problem with being passive aggressive and I’m an indirect communicator. These are two attributes that I don’t consider to be my most attractive. For years I decided to approach this the lazy way… I just stuck a warning label on myself. Not only was this lazy but it was also very selfish. When I started to get close to anyone in friendships and dating I would let them know, I’m really bad at communicating. I would just state it as a fact then move on and turn my problem into theirs. If at any point they called me out on how much I sucked at communicating I would say I tried to warn you from the beginning you knew what you were getting into. Then I would drop the conversation as if their point was not important because they knew what they were getting into from the beginning.

Not only was I really bad at communication but I also got really upset with people for not understanding what I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and not fixing their behavior to make me happy. Even though I wasn't actually saying anything was wrong I expected them to just know. Just typing this out makes me roll my eyes at myself. I could go into all the reasons why I think I became this way over time, but that's not what this post is about. What it is about is the problem my behavior was creating.

Having deep conversation where I need to express my feelings has always been really hard for me. Instead of trying to have an honest conversation with someone I would just avoid having the conversation all together. But this would only work for so long because once enough stuff was bottled up inside I would get to the point where I couldn't handle it any longer and I would explode. By explode I mean I would start a fight, most of the time it was a huge over reaction to something small. Acting this way was causing pain to people that did not deserve it.

For example I would expect my husband to be a mind reader and know how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and be able to sympathize with why. Then I would expect him to bring it up in conversation and apologize. I was acting like he was responsible for my emotions. I was wrong, I am in charge of my emotions and I am responsible for my reactions to them. 

What I’m trying to say here is that no one can make me mad, sad, happy, etc. etc. I am in charge of my emotions. It’s not someone else's responsibility to sugar coat shit or walk on eggshells around me to make sure I don't have a negative response to things. It’s also not someone else's job to create my happiness. I need to find it for myself.

Okay so this is a hard cup of tea to swallow at first and I get that but if you're reading this I want to make it clear. I am not telling you not to show emotions. I am not telling you to not take stuff to heart and I’m differently not telling you to let people throw emotional sticks and stones at you without you having a response. I am telling you, you don’t have to be explosive. I am telling you to show your true emotions, what you're really feeling and not just your harsh first reaction.

We should give ourselves time to process our emotions and understand why we have them. Instead of having explosive responses we should have a conversation about our emotions. This is not new information to most people. This is what we're taught to do at a young age. I can remember being in daycare being told to treat others the way I want to be treated. Somehow as an adult that turned into I didn't want to have conversation about the hard stuff, so everyone must feel that way right?

But the older you are, the bigger your problems are, the bigger your emotions seem to be. So naturally for me this meant the bigger or more explosive my response would be when I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Also at some point I started to believe that showing my emotions made me weak. I’m not a hundred percent sure when this started or why my best guess is this comes from never seeing adults show emotions as a child unless it was in an explosive situation. Think about it as a kid do you ever really remember your parents, teacher, or even a stranger freely showing their emotions. Do you ever remember having someone you looked up to setting you down to explaining how something made them feel and what they were doing about it. If so it most likely stands out because it didn't happen that often. For the most part that was something adults did behind closed doors. So to me that translated into emotions being something to be ashamed of. Or having emotions must make me weak.

Okay so at this point in my life I know the way I was looking at emotions is all wrong. But now that I know. What I have done about it… I have started retraining myself. I now know that showing emotions actually means I am a really strong person. I’m also willing to stand up for myself. I know that there is a right way and wrong way to show emotions. Communication is the key and the way to healthy communication is to be direct.

I’m not saying that I'm perfect at communicating but I’m trying. I have steps I expect myself to take and I try my best to stick to them. First, I give myself the time I need to process my emotions and not be explosive. Second, I make sure I am direct about what I expect from the people around me. Third, I make sure I’m direct about what emotions I am feeling and why. I don’t get it right all the time. After all, I am human and humans make mistakes. But at this point I can recognize when I’m doing it wrong and redirect myself.

I’m still not a strong communicator, I'm definitely still learning new things about how to communicate. This will probably not be my last post on communication. Hell I might even figure out that how I’m doing it now is no longer working for me, that's okay. I’m still learning and growing everyday. I just encourage you to take this and use it, Learn from my mistakes. If you're already a great communicator pat yourself on the back. Remember we are all at different steps in our journey and each step is a beautiful one.

Mother's Day Emotions

Okay so it’s Monday after mother's day and I want to talk about the mother’s day hangover I seem to have. I’m not talking about a hangover brought on from alcohol I’m talking about the kind brought on from emotions. Now honestly I have learned to appreciate these because I know it means I had some type of emotional growth the day before and most likely some healing has happened.

I realize that this year a lot of people are probably feeling this way after mother’s day because after all it is the year we had mothers day while living through a world pandemic. However my emotional hangover isn't caused be covid-19 this time it's caused by the fact that this is the first year I chose to not allow my mother around on mothers day. This decision was not based on the risk of spreading the virus but this decision was made because I have moved on from the toxic relationship that I had with my mother. I should say that I don’t hate my mother. I love her and I wish her the best. At this point in our lives it’s just best that we let each other go our own ways.

This Mother's Day was the best one I have had so far. I was filled with a sense of peace knowing that I was not going to have to spend my day putting on a show and acting as if I had a healthy relationship with my mother. This was the first mothers day I didn't feel like I had to be on full alert protecting my children from the people I don't trust.

I got to spend my morning with my children and husband having a nice relaxing picnic on the water, followed by social distancing gift drop offs to some of my favorite mamma's, a nap, some alone time shopping at target (with a mask on of course), then in the evening we grilled a dinner for mother in-law.

But with all the joy my day was filled with I still had moments of grief. No matter how much someone hurts you, breakups are hard and breaking up with my own mothers hasn't been an easy pill to swallow. I caught myself feeling guilty and even kinda sorry for myself. I didn't let these feelings take over my day but I did allow myself to feel my emotions as they came and take the time to sit with them long enough to understand why I was having them.

Anger - Why did she try and reach out to me? At this point she has to realize where our relationship stands and that I don't want to hear from her. So she must be doing it to try and make herself feel better. Or maybe I have this all wrong and I haven't made it clear enough that I don’t want communication. This could just be a consequence of my decision to just walk away without a fight.

Loss - For a moment I was feeling a sense of loss. As I let myself sit with this emotion I asked myself what I feel a loss for. I came up with one reason, loss of hope that I will ever get to have a “hallmark” Mother’s Day that involves my mother. I was not feeling a loss because of not spending the day with her.

Guilt - Even though I’m no longer in communication I don't want to cause any unnecessary pain. I am not out to get even and hurt my mother's feelings. But I’m not naive, I understand that not talking on mother's day is going to cause her pain and for that I am sorry. So I do feel some guilt knowing that I caused her some extra pain by not spending that day with her. But protecting myself comes first now and a part of that is not standing by to watch the reckless life my mother's leading.

Sad - Just sad. No flowery words to explain this one. It sucks that it's come to this and makes me sad sometimes.

Relief - That I wasn't walking around on eggshells trying not to offend someone. Relief that I didn't have to have the awkward conversation with my kids preparing them for the family gathering that is going to feel up tight and stressful.

Brave - This is the year I was finally strong enough to make the decision to do what's best for me and my family. For once I did not consider everyone else's happiness before my own. Just typing this gives my goose bumps and brings a smile to my face.

Proud - I am so proud of myself for standing up for what was best for me and my family.

Love - Without all the drama going on around me I was able to feel and accept all the love coming from my kids and husband. This is the first mother's day that the fog in my brain was clear enough to realize how much my children and husband appreciate me. They want to spend this day celebrating the things I do for them. In the past I was just going through the motions of the day trying to survive it. I never took the time to accept the love and appreciation everyone was giving me.

Happy - I smiled, I laughed, I was stress free, I was happy. I feel like a lot of people won't understand the significance of this without a little explanation. On a normal day I smile and laugh a lot all the time, but on holidays not just Mothers Day stress of the situation takes over. My anxiety is normally high and I forget to enjoy the moment. That was not the case this year.

This is why I have an emotional hangover as I wake up Monday morning, The day before I was on an emotional roller-coaster with a bunch of steep ups and downs. But even as I lay here in bed nursing this hangover I can already feel the growth I have made this year on Mother’s Day. It feels amazing knowing that I stood up for myself. I feel refreshed knowing that I have closed a chapter in my life and moved on to another. I believe every victory no matter the size should be celebrated so today I’m celebrating.

I Know most people will not relate to this experience but I like to think that someone somewhere will. If you are that person I want you to know you’ve got this, you're strong, and you're not alone. Maybe you haven't taken as many steps in this journey yet and your Mother’s Day was like mine in the past. That’s okay too, just take it one step at a time. No matter what your day was like, I encourage you to let yourself feel all your emotions, the good and the bad. Start chasing the emotional hangover and the growth that comes with it. We all have it in us to be strong and feel our emotions. Sometimes we just need someone to give us permission to take time and work our way through them. Sometimes we need to forget about the preconceived notions that feeling emotions makes us weak. Will today I am going to be that person to tell you that feeling your emotions does not make you weak and you are allowed to take the time to work your way through all the feels even if that means your dishes do not get washed for the day. You are strong and your dishes will just set there waiting for you no big deal. So use your strength and take your time to work through your emotions. Chase after the emotional hangover and let me know how you feel on the other side.

I Love You But It's Time For Me To Fly

I'm sorry your past broke you to the point of unrepair.

I'm sorry you're not strong enough to overcome the damage done to you. I know you were once the innocent one fighting to survive.

I’m sorry you can't tell when people truly love you. I’m talking about real love, not the fake kind that you've always seemed to cling to. 

I'm sorry you don’t feel you deserve to get the help you need. Everyone that wants help deserves the chance to try.

I'm sorry you have chosen men over me time and time again. I know you did it to fill a void you had. I just wish you knew I was trying to fill that void for you.

I'm not sorry that I was finally strong enough to walk away. It took me a long time to give myself permission to stop trying to fix you even though it’s not my fault you're broken.

I'm not sorry everyone is starting to see your true colors. I’ve been trying to tell them for years and getting nothing in return. I’m not sure if they thought I was over-exaggerating, seeking attention or maybe they were just naive and thought it would all pass with time.

I’m not sorry I refuse to let you break me again. I’m no longer letting our toxic relationship wreak havoc on me.

I’m not sorry that i’m angry. I deserve to feel my emotion after years of having them walled up. I didn't have time to fall apart before. I was too busy holding everyone else together.

I’m not sorry that I don't forgive you. You haven't tried to earn my forgiveness. You say you want to change, you say you're sorry but then you just go drowned your pain in the addictions that caused you to scar me.

I hope you spend the rest of your life happy. I believe everyone owes them self happiness and peace. Your hold on me is no longer strong enough to make you the exception to that rule.

I hope you can forgive yourself instead of living in denial. I don’t think you can find happiness until you face your reality.

I hope you start to understand love. Once you understand it then you'll realize you've had it and yes that may cause heartbreak. But it's better to have felt love and heartbreak then to live your whole life without knowing what love feels like.

I hope you don’t hurt another innocent bystander in the midst of your chaos. No one else deserves to be a casualty of your war. Also I know if you hurt someone else it will be something to add to your list of reasons why you fall back on your addictions. You have enough reason you don't need anymore.

I hope you don’t succumb to your addictions. That would cause pain for people that I don't want to see suffer anymore then they already have from your war.

I wish you didn't hurt some of my favorite people. For years I tried to make excuses for you and shelter them from your truths. At this point I realized that was a mistake. It makes the truth harder for them to accept. But let's be honest, I was a kid. These are decisions I should not have been made to make.

I wish you weren't going to resent me for walking away. You're selfish so I know you're going to think I'm just abandoning you in your time of need. That’s okay, maybe you can take that anger and turn it into strength to help you heal.

I wish you could be proud of me. You have said so but it's usually under the influence of your addictions and you've never been proud enough to make a change. I’ll admit when I was younger I used to think if I could just make something amazing out of myself you would be proud enough to finally listen to my pleas to get the help you need.

I wish we had a happily ever after. I feel like there will always be a part of me that will dream of having our perfect story book forgiveness. That's a battle I'll just have to fight as it comes, don't worry, I'm strong and I can handle it.

I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. All I mean is I wish our story would have turned out different. But then again maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today without everything that’s happened.

Now it's time for me to spread my wings and fly.

I want to be able to say that even if somehow you turn your life around and beat your addictions I still wont come around. But that's not something I can say for sure. I have spent hours trying to figure out what I would do if I ever found myself in that situation and the only answer I have is I don’t know. The selfish part of me doesn't want to admit I don’t know what I would do if you turned your life around.

At this point this might sound crazy but thank you. You taught me a lot of things through the hardships of our relationship. I like to believe you always did the best you could with everything else you had going on. Please don't waste your time or energy feeling bad for me because I don't need it. I am finally starting to heal. I didn’t write this to add more to your list of reasons you hate yourself. I wrote this for me. This is my story. This is why I am who I am today. I wrote this for anyone else who may be suffering from a toxic relationship like ours and needs to know they are not alone. I hope this helps someone somewhere.

I’ll say one last thing I love you!

It's Okay To Be Angry

“You need to forgive and stop being so angry or you're never going to be able to heal.” This was what I was told one day when I was venting about how I felt. I know this person was just trying to help and tell me what they thought was best and I am all for that woman supporting other women. But at that moment I just needed to know that what I was feeling is a valid way to feel. So their reaction to me made me even angrier. This anger was a Deep inside soul crushing anger. It was not directed at this person as a matter of fact I didn't even tell them how their comment made me feel. I just said okay and that I had to get off the phone.



But what I felt was like someone was inside my body scratching away at my insides with a safety pin just trying to kill little pieces of me as slow as they could to make sure I felt every little stab. Dramatic right… I know just trying to paint a picture here. I wanted to scream but not some high pitch cute girly scream. I’m talking about one of those deep tones, long lasting screams that almost sounds like a howl from an aching wolf. But even though I felt this way, I couldn't even catch enough breath to do it. All I was capable of was laying on the ground in the fetal position and crying.



Do you know the phrase ugly cry? Yeah that’s what it was. As I’m laying there raccoon eyes, snot running down my face, and not able to catch my breath. My husband walked in, at that moment I knew how bad I truly looked. I don’t mean appearance I mean my state of mind and how fragile I appeared. The look on his face made me feel both comfort and pain. I knew he was there 100 percent to do whatever I needed. But it also hurt me that once again he was about to help me fight my past demons.



You see up until this point I thought being angry made me weak and I am not a weak person. So I wouldn't really allow myself to feel anger.



Then finally at age 30 It hit me…When I say it hit me I mean a dump truck cruising down the road going 50 mph straight to the face type hit me. I was angry! But It's also okay to let myself be angry. It’s an emotion just like all the others, it’s just not a glamorous one. Glamorous or not though it is a normal everyday emotion I am allowing myself to have. It’s important that I don't let it take over my life. But it’s also important I don't just ignore it.



The next person that tells me I need to forgive and not be angry might be throat punched! Okay not really but I might really fantasize about them hitting their toe on a door frame.



All this to say that if you want to be angry be angry. I’ll be here to support you in all your glorious anger and tell you that it's okay to feel anger.



I believe if you don't let yourself work through the anger it's never really going to go away. You'll just bury it deep inside. Then one day it's going to be your dump truck to the face just like it was for me.



It's important that in a time of anger we don't focus only on the anger because that will put us on an unhealthy track. Focus on the good things going on around you and find cheerful emotions as will. I don't want you falling into a deep dark anger black hole.

Covid-19 The First Four Weeks

I take pride in the fact that I handle my anxiety disorder very well at this point in my life. But guess what this pandemic has flipped my world upside down and given me a few panic attacks.





The first few days of the pandemic are a blur and were spent figuring out what we needed around the house to change our way of life. My family was not ready for social isolation. We were already in the midst of a crazy beautiful time period of our lives. In December we decided it was the right time to sell our house. Our house sold in January without us having a new one to move into yet. This was all part of the plan. We had made the decision to sell and move into a camper until we found our dream home. Now let's fast forward to March, still living in a camper and waiting on our new house to be built. This was not part of the plan. We fell in love with a neighborhood that didn't have the right house built for us yet. Then we fell in love with a model home. So that's how in April as I type this I'm still living in a camper waiting on our dream home to be built in our dream neighborhood during a world pandemic.





After the shock and spending the first few days in a blur. Came the next couple weeks where I was spending a good amount of the day with heightened anxiety. Very little energy to do anything but also the drive and determination to create my family's new normal. Basically I was faking it until I make it. This time period is where I had most of my panic attacks. On the outside I looked calm and like I knew what I was doing. But in my head I was a hot mess. The constant fear of the unknown, the fear of the known. Looking back now I realize this was just a step I had to take. It was a part of my healing process because let's face it we have all lost something to this pandemic. Covid-19 broke me and it's not over yet it could very well break me again before it's all over. This does not mean I'm not strong, it simply puts me back in place and reminds me I am human and not all things are in my control.





Somewhere in week three I started focusing on what I could control. I started looking for the things I love most about self isolation. I was surprised to find there are more things I like then dislike. At this point we are in week four and I feel like I have found my peace in the chaos. I’m not naive and I know it could be short lived. But for now I’m enjoying the calm.





My advice to anyone who is in search of their peace in all this chaos. Is to go with the flow, let yourself feel your emotions and grow from them.

What Age 30 Looks Like For Me

Everyone always talks about how your 30th birthday is such a big life changing moment. Then they ask how you are handling it. I've never been the person that makes a big deal out of my birthday so this was very aggravating to me. If i’m completely honest it even made me a little angry when they would go on to say now you're really an adult. It was just insulting like no I have been an adult for a long time even way before I should have been, But hey thanks for letting me know how little you know about me.




At the end of the day I was glad they asked because it made me think and reevaluate things. Like how come turning 30 is not a big milestone to me? That question started making me dig deep and think about so many different things in my life. I'm so glad it did. To many people that question may not hold much meaning but to me it was a very powerful tool and it lit a fire within me that I’m not letting anyone or anything smother out.




I decided to make my big three oh year be about focusing on my mental health. At this point i’m about ten months into it and it's been a roller coaster ride to say the least. But it’s turning out to be such a beautiful experience.




I've figured out why my birthdays have not been a big deal to me. It comes from having a long line of disappointing one.




As a kid they were never great, sure there were some that were better than others. But I come from a very split home, not the healthy kind where kids get to see both parents and have two houses. I come from the kind where both parents hate each other so much that it is no longer about the child. My mother had custody and did not allow my father to see me. On top of all that me and my mother had a very toxic relationship. This is a topic for a whole separate blog post so i'll leave the rest of that for another day. All that to say birthdays always felt like a reminder of what I was missing in childhood.





Then there was my 21st and I was going to make the best of it. I was so excited. This was the year I was going to reclaim my birthday as a happy day. After all I was out in the world and had a family of my own so it was time to just forget about the past and move on. I was 13 weeks pregnant with my second child and just started getting over morning sickness, so I wanted to go dancing. I had the night all planned out. I had a babysitter for my first child who was one in half years old at the time, I had one pair of nice jeans that still fit. All I needed was a quick trip to the store for more body spray, now that I look back I find this whole plan crazy, I think I just needed to get out of the house. So I loaded my toddler up and to the store we went. I was driving to the store when I felt a pop and started bleeding. I was in shock so I drove home to change clothes and evaluate just how bad the bleeding was. In a panic I rushed to the hospital, I was told the baby still had a heart beat but I was in the middle of a miscarriage and I should follow up with my doctor in a few days. My strong little baby was a fighter and survived… that's a story for another day.




My 21st birthday was the last time I tried to even plan anything for my birthday. I started having the mindset that something always happens to make the day shitty so why even try.

I have now realized I deserve to celebrate my birthday. I haven't been giving myself enough credit for the things I've survived and more importantly for the things I've achieved. I also haven't been taking the right steps to heal. I mean really take time a work through everything not just forget and move on.




I have been busy making sure everyone has been happy and has everything they need. I haven't taken the time to ask myself what I need. I know as mom this is a common trend. But I was taking it too far and doing it to the point that it could have turned catastrophic. As a matter of fact it had turned catastrophic for me in the past and the only way I worked through it that time was a divorce…

This is one of the only times in life I have put myself before everyone else. At the time I believed that this was a very selfish act, I've grown a lot since then. I have realized it was not selfish, it was necessary and better for everyone involved. This pattern of putting everyone ahead of myself is something I tend to do over and over in life, I bottle everything up and keep just ignoring it for as long as I can. Then when I get to my breaking point I shatter into so many pieces it takes months if not longer to put myself back together and even then the puzzle pieces never fit back together the same.




This realization of my self sabotaging behavior left me with questions, what do I do next? Now that I realize some of the unhealthy habits I have, how do I stop them? From that day forward I decided I'm going to start appreciating myself.






I am lucky enough now to have found an amazing man who is by my side to support me and not let fall into this pattern again. Because in the midst of living my everyday life I know it's easy to fall back on old habits. It’s important that I take time every single day to do something for myself. It doesn't have to be anything big it can just be as simple as taking a bath and reflecting. reflect on the things that I have achieved that day, week, and month. I'm here to tell you if this is a pattern you see in yourself STOP, take the time and ask yourself what you need. You have to find your peace and happiness before you can help others find theirs.




Taking time for myself also forced me to stop getting caught up in a negative mind set, as human beings we tend to try and focus on only the things we failed at. This is a behavior we need to break free from its not doing anyone any good. I'm not saying don't fix your mistakes because that would be an unhealthy habit too. I'm just suggesting for every negative thing you're focusing on try and find a positive thing you did to praise yourself for it.




I also needed to start healing from my past traumas. This is a difficult thing to do but with lots and lots of meditation I am working my way through them. I'm taking my time. It took 30 years to build up this much trauma so it's not just going to go away overnight! Each trauma has a slightly different solution and sometimes it means just cutting ties with the people that caused it. If I don't want to waste my breath and positive energy on confronting the person or persons that's okay. This is my life, my mental health, I get to choose what works best for me.




Then there are other times where I feel this strong pull to have an honest conversation and express myself, let them know where I'm coming from and why. To me it's not always important to come to a resolution for something that happened in the past but more of an understanding of the situation. After all we all change over time and it's not fair to assume that the persons I’m confronting from the past have not grown to be a better person with time. If i'm not willing to completely cut them out then I need to have an open mind about them. Please don't take this as me saying that it's okay for them to continue to cause future traumas because if not, I'm not giving them a free pass for the future just a clean slate.




Every step I have taken so far this year has been an important one. I have not been happy everyday when I get out of bed, I have not been happy every night when I get into bed. I have had lots of anxiety. I've cried a river. I have judged myself harshly. I’ve laughed so hard I've had tears. I have smiled more than I ever have before.




There's been times this year I have been curled up on the ground having a full blown panic attack behind closed doors. In some of those moments of difficulty I started questioning if it's worth it. Should I just put my wall back up around my heart and carry on like I have been for years not letting myself heal from my past. But I know it has been worth it and will continue to be worth it.




Now that i'm this far into year 30 (yay) i'm definitely starting to feel the benefits and i'm looking forward to the next season of my life. I have more confidence and self love then I ever thought was possible. I didn't bring year 30 in with a celebration but for year 31 I’m going to celebrate like I never have before.