I Love You But It's Time For Me To Fly

I'm sorry your past broke you to the point of unrepair.

I'm sorry you're not strong enough to overcome the damage done to you. I know you were once the innocent one fighting to survive.

I’m sorry you can't tell when people truly love you. I’m talking about real love, not the fake kind that you've always seemed to cling to. 

I'm sorry you don’t feel you deserve to get the help you need. Everyone that wants help deserves the chance to try.

I'm sorry you have chosen men over me time and time again. I know you did it to fill a void you had. I just wish you knew I was trying to fill that void for you.

I'm not sorry that I was finally strong enough to walk away. It took me a long time to give myself permission to stop trying to fix you even though it’s not my fault you're broken.

I'm not sorry everyone is starting to see your true colors. I’ve been trying to tell them for years and getting nothing in return. I’m not sure if they thought I was over-exaggerating, seeking attention or maybe they were just naive and thought it would all pass with time.

I’m not sorry I refuse to let you break me again. I’m no longer letting our toxic relationship wreak havoc on me.

I’m not sorry that i’m angry. I deserve to feel my emotion after years of having them walled up. I didn't have time to fall apart before. I was too busy holding everyone else together.

I’m not sorry that I don't forgive you. You haven't tried to earn my forgiveness. You say you want to change, you say you're sorry but then you just go drowned your pain in the addictions that caused you to scar me.

I hope you spend the rest of your life happy. I believe everyone owes them self happiness and peace. Your hold on me is no longer strong enough to make you the exception to that rule.

I hope you can forgive yourself instead of living in denial. I don’t think you can find happiness until you face your reality.

I hope you start to understand love. Once you understand it then you'll realize you've had it and yes that may cause heartbreak. But it's better to have felt love and heartbreak then to live your whole life without knowing what love feels like.

I hope you don’t hurt another innocent bystander in the midst of your chaos. No one else deserves to be a casualty of your war. Also I know if you hurt someone else it will be something to add to your list of reasons why you fall back on your addictions. You have enough reason you don't need anymore.

I hope you don’t succumb to your addictions. That would cause pain for people that I don't want to see suffer anymore then they already have from your war.

I wish you didn't hurt some of my favorite people. For years I tried to make excuses for you and shelter them from your truths. At this point I realized that was a mistake. It makes the truth harder for them to accept. But let's be honest, I was a kid. These are decisions I should not have been made to make.

I wish you weren't going to resent me for walking away. You're selfish so I know you're going to think I'm just abandoning you in your time of need. That’s okay, maybe you can take that anger and turn it into strength to help you heal.

I wish you could be proud of me. You have said so but it's usually under the influence of your addictions and you've never been proud enough to make a change. I’ll admit when I was younger I used to think if I could just make something amazing out of myself you would be proud enough to finally listen to my pleas to get the help you need.

I wish we had a happily ever after. I feel like there will always be a part of me that will dream of having our perfect story book forgiveness. That's a battle I'll just have to fight as it comes, don't worry, I'm strong and I can handle it.

I wish I didn't have to say goodbye. All I mean is I wish our story would have turned out different. But then again maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today without everything that’s happened.

Now it's time for me to spread my wings and fly.

I want to be able to say that even if somehow you turn your life around and beat your addictions I still wont come around. But that's not something I can say for sure. I have spent hours trying to figure out what I would do if I ever found myself in that situation and the only answer I have is I don’t know. The selfish part of me doesn't want to admit I don’t know what I would do if you turned your life around.

At this point this might sound crazy but thank you. You taught me a lot of things through the hardships of our relationship. I like to believe you always did the best you could with everything else you had going on. Please don't waste your time or energy feeling bad for me because I don't need it. I am finally starting to heal. I didn’t write this to add more to your list of reasons you hate yourself. I wrote this for me. This is my story. This is why I am who I am today. I wrote this for anyone else who may be suffering from a toxic relationship like ours and needs to know they are not alone. I hope this helps someone somewhere.

I’ll say one last thing I love you!