What Age 30 Looks Like For Me

Everyone always talks about how your 30th birthday is such a big life changing moment. Then they ask how you are handling it. I've never been the person that makes a big deal out of my birthday so this was very aggravating to me. If i’m completely honest it even made me a little angry when they would go on to say now you're really an adult. It was just insulting like no I have been an adult for a long time even way before I should have been, But hey thanks for letting me know how little you know about me.




At the end of the day I was glad they asked because it made me think and reevaluate things. Like how come turning 30 is not a big milestone to me? That question started making me dig deep and think about so many different things in my life. I'm so glad it did. To many people that question may not hold much meaning but to me it was a very powerful tool and it lit a fire within me that I’m not letting anyone or anything smother out.




I decided to make my big three oh year be about focusing on my mental health. At this point i’m about ten months into it and it's been a roller coaster ride to say the least. But it’s turning out to be such a beautiful experience.




I've figured out why my birthdays have not been a big deal to me. It comes from having a long line of disappointing one.




As a kid they were never great, sure there were some that were better than others. But I come from a very split home, not the healthy kind where kids get to see both parents and have two houses. I come from the kind where both parents hate each other so much that it is no longer about the child. My mother had custody and did not allow my father to see me. On top of all that me and my mother had a very toxic relationship. This is a topic for a whole separate blog post so i'll leave the rest of that for another day. All that to say birthdays always felt like a reminder of what I was missing in childhood.





Then there was my 21st and I was going to make the best of it. I was so excited. This was the year I was going to reclaim my birthday as a happy day. After all I was out in the world and had a family of my own so it was time to just forget about the past and move on. I was 13 weeks pregnant with my second child and just started getting over morning sickness, so I wanted to go dancing. I had the night all planned out. I had a babysitter for my first child who was one in half years old at the time, I had one pair of nice jeans that still fit. All I needed was a quick trip to the store for more body spray, now that I look back I find this whole plan crazy, I think I just needed to get out of the house. So I loaded my toddler up and to the store we went. I was driving to the store when I felt a pop and started bleeding. I was in shock so I drove home to change clothes and evaluate just how bad the bleeding was. In a panic I rushed to the hospital, I was told the baby still had a heart beat but I was in the middle of a miscarriage and I should follow up with my doctor in a few days. My strong little baby was a fighter and survived… that's a story for another day.




My 21st birthday was the last time I tried to even plan anything for my birthday. I started having the mindset that something always happens to make the day shitty so why even try.

I have now realized I deserve to celebrate my birthday. I haven't been giving myself enough credit for the things I've survived and more importantly for the things I've achieved. I also haven't been taking the right steps to heal. I mean really take time a work through everything not just forget and move on.




I have been busy making sure everyone has been happy and has everything they need. I haven't taken the time to ask myself what I need. I know as mom this is a common trend. But I was taking it too far and doing it to the point that it could have turned catastrophic. As a matter of fact it had turned catastrophic for me in the past and the only way I worked through it that time was a divorce…

This is one of the only times in life I have put myself before everyone else. At the time I believed that this was a very selfish act, I've grown a lot since then. I have realized it was not selfish, it was necessary and better for everyone involved. This pattern of putting everyone ahead of myself is something I tend to do over and over in life, I bottle everything up and keep just ignoring it for as long as I can. Then when I get to my breaking point I shatter into so many pieces it takes months if not longer to put myself back together and even then the puzzle pieces never fit back together the same.




This realization of my self sabotaging behavior left me with questions, what do I do next? Now that I realize some of the unhealthy habits I have, how do I stop them? From that day forward I decided I'm going to start appreciating myself.






I am lucky enough now to have found an amazing man who is by my side to support me and not let fall into this pattern again. Because in the midst of living my everyday life I know it's easy to fall back on old habits. It’s important that I take time every single day to do something for myself. It doesn't have to be anything big it can just be as simple as taking a bath and reflecting. reflect on the things that I have achieved that day, week, and month. I'm here to tell you if this is a pattern you see in yourself STOP, take the time and ask yourself what you need. You have to find your peace and happiness before you can help others find theirs.




Taking time for myself also forced me to stop getting caught up in a negative mind set, as human beings we tend to try and focus on only the things we failed at. This is a behavior we need to break free from its not doing anyone any good. I'm not saying don't fix your mistakes because that would be an unhealthy habit too. I'm just suggesting for every negative thing you're focusing on try and find a positive thing you did to praise yourself for it.




I also needed to start healing from my past traumas. This is a difficult thing to do but with lots and lots of meditation I am working my way through them. I'm taking my time. It took 30 years to build up this much trauma so it's not just going to go away overnight! Each trauma has a slightly different solution and sometimes it means just cutting ties with the people that caused it. If I don't want to waste my breath and positive energy on confronting the person or persons that's okay. This is my life, my mental health, I get to choose what works best for me.




Then there are other times where I feel this strong pull to have an honest conversation and express myself, let them know where I'm coming from and why. To me it's not always important to come to a resolution for something that happened in the past but more of an understanding of the situation. After all we all change over time and it's not fair to assume that the persons I’m confronting from the past have not grown to be a better person with time. If i'm not willing to completely cut them out then I need to have an open mind about them. Please don't take this as me saying that it's okay for them to continue to cause future traumas because if not, I'm not giving them a free pass for the future just a clean slate.




Every step I have taken so far this year has been an important one. I have not been happy everyday when I get out of bed, I have not been happy every night when I get into bed. I have had lots of anxiety. I've cried a river. I have judged myself harshly. I’ve laughed so hard I've had tears. I have smiled more than I ever have before.




There's been times this year I have been curled up on the ground having a full blown panic attack behind closed doors. In some of those moments of difficulty I started questioning if it's worth it. Should I just put my wall back up around my heart and carry on like I have been for years not letting myself heal from my past. But I know it has been worth it and will continue to be worth it.




Now that i'm this far into year 30 (yay) i'm definitely starting to feel the benefits and i'm looking forward to the next season of my life. I have more confidence and self love then I ever thought was possible. I didn't bring year 30 in with a celebration but for year 31 I’m going to celebrate like I never have before.