Learning to Communicate

Hi my name is Heather and I have a problem with being passive aggressive and I’m an indirect communicator. These are two attributes that I don’t consider to be my most attractive. For years I decided to approach this the lazy way… I just stuck a warning label on myself. Not only was this lazy but it was also very selfish. When I started to get close to anyone in friendships and dating I would let them know, I’m really bad at communicating. I would just state it as a fact then move on and turn my problem into theirs. If at any point they called me out on how much I sucked at communicating I would say I tried to warn you from the beginning you knew what you were getting into. Then I would drop the conversation as if their point was not important because they knew what they were getting into from the beginning.

Not only was I really bad at communication but I also got really upset with people for not understanding what I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and not fixing their behavior to make me happy. Even though I wasn't actually saying anything was wrong I expected them to just know. Just typing this out makes me roll my eyes at myself. I could go into all the reasons why I think I became this way over time, but that's not what this post is about. What it is about is the problem my behavior was creating.

Having deep conversation where I need to express my feelings has always been really hard for me. Instead of trying to have an honest conversation with someone I would just avoid having the conversation all together. But this would only work for so long because once enough stuff was bottled up inside I would get to the point where I couldn't handle it any longer and I would explode. By explode I mean I would start a fight, most of the time it was a huge over reaction to something small. Acting this way was causing pain to people that did not deserve it.

For example I would expect my husband to be a mind reader and know how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and be able to sympathize with why. Then I would expect him to bring it up in conversation and apologize. I was acting like he was responsible for my emotions. I was wrong, I am in charge of my emotions and I am responsible for my reactions to them. 

What I’m trying to say here is that no one can make me mad, sad, happy, etc. etc. I am in charge of my emotions. It’s not someone else's responsibility to sugar coat shit or walk on eggshells around me to make sure I don't have a negative response to things. It’s also not someone else's job to create my happiness. I need to find it for myself.

Okay so this is a hard cup of tea to swallow at first and I get that but if you're reading this I want to make it clear. I am not telling you not to show emotions. I am not telling you to not take stuff to heart and I’m differently not telling you to let people throw emotional sticks and stones at you without you having a response. I am telling you, you don’t have to be explosive. I am telling you to show your true emotions, what you're really feeling and not just your harsh first reaction.

We should give ourselves time to process our emotions and understand why we have them. Instead of having explosive responses we should have a conversation about our emotions. This is not new information to most people. This is what we're taught to do at a young age. I can remember being in daycare being told to treat others the way I want to be treated. Somehow as an adult that turned into I didn't want to have conversation about the hard stuff, so everyone must feel that way right?

But the older you are, the bigger your problems are, the bigger your emotions seem to be. So naturally for me this meant the bigger or more explosive my response would be when I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Also at some point I started to believe that showing my emotions made me weak. I’m not a hundred percent sure when this started or why my best guess is this comes from never seeing adults show emotions as a child unless it was in an explosive situation. Think about it as a kid do you ever really remember your parents, teacher, or even a stranger freely showing their emotions. Do you ever remember having someone you looked up to setting you down to explaining how something made them feel and what they were doing about it. If so it most likely stands out because it didn't happen that often. For the most part that was something adults did behind closed doors. So to me that translated into emotions being something to be ashamed of. Or having emotions must make me weak.

Okay so at this point in my life I know the way I was looking at emotions is all wrong. But now that I know. What I have done about it… I have started retraining myself. I now know that showing emotions actually means I am a really strong person. I’m also willing to stand up for myself. I know that there is a right way and wrong way to show emotions. Communication is the key and the way to healthy communication is to be direct.

I’m not saying that I'm perfect at communicating but I’m trying. I have steps I expect myself to take and I try my best to stick to them. First, I give myself the time I need to process my emotions and not be explosive. Second, I make sure I am direct about what I expect from the people around me. Third, I make sure I’m direct about what emotions I am feeling and why. I don’t get it right all the time. After all, I am human and humans make mistakes. But at this point I can recognize when I’m doing it wrong and redirect myself.

I’m still not a strong communicator, I'm definitely still learning new things about how to communicate. This will probably not be my last post on communication. Hell I might even figure out that how I’m doing it now is no longer working for me, that's okay. I’m still learning and growing everyday. I just encourage you to take this and use it, Learn from my mistakes. If you're already a great communicator pat yourself on the back. Remember we are all at different steps in our journey and each step is a beautiful one.