Mother's Day Emotions

Okay so it’s Monday after mother's day and I want to talk about the mother’s day hangover I seem to have. I’m not talking about a hangover brought on from alcohol I’m talking about the kind brought on from emotions. Now honestly I have learned to appreciate these because I know it means I had some type of emotional growth the day before and most likely some healing has happened.

I realize that this year a lot of people are probably feeling this way after mother’s day because after all it is the year we had mothers day while living through a world pandemic. However my emotional hangover isn't caused be covid-19 this time it's caused by the fact that this is the first year I chose to not allow my mother around on mothers day. This decision was not based on the risk of spreading the virus but this decision was made because I have moved on from the toxic relationship that I had with my mother. I should say that I don’t hate my mother. I love her and I wish her the best. At this point in our lives it’s just best that we let each other go our own ways.

This Mother's Day was the best one I have had so far. I was filled with a sense of peace knowing that I was not going to have to spend my day putting on a show and acting as if I had a healthy relationship with my mother. This was the first mothers day I didn't feel like I had to be on full alert protecting my children from the people I don't trust.

I got to spend my morning with my children and husband having a nice relaxing picnic on the water, followed by social distancing gift drop offs to some of my favorite mamma's, a nap, some alone time shopping at target (with a mask on of course), then in the evening we grilled a dinner for mother in-law.

But with all the joy my day was filled with I still had moments of grief. No matter how much someone hurts you, breakups are hard and breaking up with my own mothers hasn't been an easy pill to swallow. I caught myself feeling guilty and even kinda sorry for myself. I didn't let these feelings take over my day but I did allow myself to feel my emotions as they came and take the time to sit with them long enough to understand why I was having them.

Anger - Why did she try and reach out to me? At this point she has to realize where our relationship stands and that I don't want to hear from her. So she must be doing it to try and make herself feel better. Or maybe I have this all wrong and I haven't made it clear enough that I don’t want communication. This could just be a consequence of my decision to just walk away without a fight.

Loss - For a moment I was feeling a sense of loss. As I let myself sit with this emotion I asked myself what I feel a loss for. I came up with one reason, loss of hope that I will ever get to have a “hallmark” Mother’s Day that involves my mother. I was not feeling a loss because of not spending the day with her.

Guilt - Even though I’m no longer in communication I don't want to cause any unnecessary pain. I am not out to get even and hurt my mother's feelings. But I’m not naive, I understand that not talking on mother's day is going to cause her pain and for that I am sorry. So I do feel some guilt knowing that I caused her some extra pain by not spending that day with her. But protecting myself comes first now and a part of that is not standing by to watch the reckless life my mother's leading.

Sad - Just sad. No flowery words to explain this one. It sucks that it's come to this and makes me sad sometimes.

Relief - That I wasn't walking around on eggshells trying not to offend someone. Relief that I didn't have to have the awkward conversation with my kids preparing them for the family gathering that is going to feel up tight and stressful.

Brave - This is the year I was finally strong enough to make the decision to do what's best for me and my family. For once I did not consider everyone else's happiness before my own. Just typing this gives my goose bumps and brings a smile to my face.

Proud - I am so proud of myself for standing up for what was best for me and my family.

Love - Without all the drama going on around me I was able to feel and accept all the love coming from my kids and husband. This is the first mother's day that the fog in my brain was clear enough to realize how much my children and husband appreciate me. They want to spend this day celebrating the things I do for them. In the past I was just going through the motions of the day trying to survive it. I never took the time to accept the love and appreciation everyone was giving me.

Happy - I smiled, I laughed, I was stress free, I was happy. I feel like a lot of people won't understand the significance of this without a little explanation. On a normal day I smile and laugh a lot all the time, but on holidays not just Mothers Day stress of the situation takes over. My anxiety is normally high and I forget to enjoy the moment. That was not the case this year.

This is why I have an emotional hangover as I wake up Monday morning, The day before I was on an emotional roller-coaster with a bunch of steep ups and downs. But even as I lay here in bed nursing this hangover I can already feel the growth I have made this year on Mother’s Day. It feels amazing knowing that I stood up for myself. I feel refreshed knowing that I have closed a chapter in my life and moved on to another. I believe every victory no matter the size should be celebrated so today I’m celebrating.

I Know most people will not relate to this experience but I like to think that someone somewhere will. If you are that person I want you to know you’ve got this, you're strong, and you're not alone. Maybe you haven't taken as many steps in this journey yet and your Mother’s Day was like mine in the past. That’s okay too, just take it one step at a time. No matter what your day was like, I encourage you to let yourself feel all your emotions, the good and the bad. Start chasing the emotional hangover and the growth that comes with it. We all have it in us to be strong and feel our emotions. Sometimes we just need someone to give us permission to take time and work our way through them. Sometimes we need to forget about the preconceived notions that feeling emotions makes us weak. Will today I am going to be that person to tell you that feeling your emotions does not make you weak and you are allowed to take the time to work your way through all the feels even if that means your dishes do not get washed for the day. You are strong and your dishes will just set there waiting for you no big deal. So use your strength and take your time to work through your emotions. Chase after the emotional hangover and let me know how you feel on the other side.