Last Year in a Nutshell

Holy shit show 2020… this year has been such a roller coaster
ride for me and I'm not going to sit here and pretend I've handled it with grace. Hell most of the time I've been a hot freaking mess.
Let's be real, the fact that I'm finally setting down to write is nothing short of a miracle and deserves to be celebrated (insert super corny happy dance here). Did you picture it? I was totally just dancing in the middle of my office.

2020 has not been all bad but it has been full of things changing. I'm not a person that handles change very well even if it's a good change. To sum up how I've been feeling in the simplest way… it's a lot like walking through a dark forest not being able to find my way out while looking at beautiful flowers blooming.

I have learned a few things about myself over the past year. One: I have a big fear of failure. Two: It's easier than I thought to let my anxiety take control of my life again. Three: I'm ashamed that I battle with depression. Four: I'm strong as hell!

Having a fear of failing is not something I realized about myself until a few days ago but now that I put some thought into it, it makes a ton of sense and I have suffered from this my whole life. It sounds so cliche but the fear of failure has held me back from trying things. Honestly it really sucks but I guess it's better to have this epiphany now. Don’t get me wrong, I have taken risks in life. Just turns out there are some areas I have not been willing to because of fear of failure.

It had been years since I felt like I didn't have a handle on my anxiety. My panic attacks never went away but there had been big gaps in how frequently they came for years. Sometimes there were months in between panic attacks and almost always weeks. I had been living that way for about six years, Hell I even made it through a divorce only having like three the whole time. So over the last year when they started coming multiple times in a week sometimes more than once a day it was a hard pill to swallow. 

At some point I started struggling with depression again this is something I still haven't said out loud to anyone. Of course my husband could tell I'm pretty sure he knows me better than I know myself. I was in denial this was happening to me because it just didn't make sense. How could I be depressed? I have so many great things going on in my life and I have a better understanding of myself than I ever have before. Then one night laying in bed it hit me that I was depressed and it's taking me so long to admit it to myself because I'm ashamed of it. That just made me really pissed off, I have spent so much time helping other people that felt depressed and telling them that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Admitting it to yourself is one of the best things you can do to heal because acceptance of your situation is a part of the healing process. Eventually I came around the fact that I need to take my own advice and that just because I know coping mechanisms doesn't mean I am immune to the disease. 

Even though 2020 was one of my harder years in recent past I am damn proud of myself for everything I made it through and overcame. I also took some very big steps last year to better myself. Okay so I want to keep this post kinda short since it is my first one in a very long time. I just wanted to dip my feet back into the water and give everyone an overall update. Most of the stuff I talked about today I will break up and go into more details later. But for now I am glad to say I survived 2020 and I am ready to grow some more as a person and sprinkle more people with my messy advice in 2021.